


Smother

by mercilessbeautifulworld (cali_woods)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Music, Dreams, F/M, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Inspired by Music, Love, Other, Plot Twists, Regret, Sad, Song Lyrics, unexpected ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-25
Updated: 2014-01-25
Packaged: 2018-01-09 23:19:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1152004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cali_woods/pseuds/mercilessbeautifulworld
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story of the guilt that Mikasa has had for years about what happened with the relationship between her friends and a dramatic twist ending. Based on the song Smother by Daughter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smother

**Author's Note:**

> This makes me so upset. I was crying writing it. I hope you like it.

“Jean.” Mikasa whispered, her hand extended and reaching out over off the side of the bed. She grabbed at the air desperately. Mikasa twisted in her bed as she began to take harsher breaths. Her dark hair wrapped around her wet, sweat ridden face.

“No, no, come back, please.” Mikasa cried as warm tears started to fall down her face. Each one created a long line of moisture down her cheek before meeting with the pillow. Staining her face, making scars that no one could see. Mikasa could feel them though, feel each one sting her skin as they left their silent marks.

With a gasp Mikasa launched forward in bed and widened her eyes. Deep breaths choked down were the only thing keeping her from sobbing uncontrollably. The salty tears dripped into her mouth as she sat, curling her knees into her chest. She could not begin to calm herself.

Mikasa had to stand up, had to start moving around. She knew if she sat in her bed and sobbed she could not forget about the reoccurring dream. The moment that she could not reach out. It haunted her. It haunted Mikasa every night.

She extended her pale legs off of the bed slipping on her shoes. Wiggling her toes inside of the shoes she took a deep breath, pushing her arms and forcing her body off of the bed. Mikasa still choked for air, trying to calm her broken breathing. She slowly made her way out into her kitchen, stumbling over herself. Being able to keep her footing she wrapped her scarf around her neck and made her way to the front door.

The crisp winter air kissed her face as she exited the home. The moon shined down, each star twinkling at her, teasing her. After a moment of being bullied by the brightness of the stars she turned her face to the stone pavement and pushed her feet to move forward. The air was cold and Mikasa would have noticed if she had not been so upset.

Mikasa turned toward a path leading to a park outside of the city. It was silent expect for the sound of her own broken breathing. The guilt filtered through her bones with every pump of her heart. She felt a pang of grief with every pound. With every step she tried to push it away, though the movement only made her heart beat faster. More pain, more quickly.

She made her way to the parks edge. The grass began under her shoes and she pushed off the ground more aggressively, turning her brisk walk into an all out sprint. Only getting a few yards Mikasa lost her footing, falling forward onto the ground. Her arms flew forward to protect her face, scrapping against the grass making it bleed. Everything went black for a few moments, but when she woke her head throbbed.

Mikasa did not move from her hands and knees. Her head rest against the tree that sat beside where she had fallen. “I am so sorry Jean. I am so sorry.” She sobbed, “I am so sorry.”

Her heart pounding grief and her lung stinging sobs overwhelmed Mikasa. The silence was a cruel reply to the sorrow that she felt. A cruel mistress that often ruled Mikasa’s every moment. A moment without silence was a miracle, though Mikasa would never pleasure herself with the company of people. She did not deserve it, not anymore.

“Mikasa…” A gentle voice whispered. Mikasa did not even look up, thinking it was the wind teasing her with the voice of the already gone. “Mikasa… what are you doing out here?”

A man’s hand lifted Mikasa’s chin gently. She watched as her eyes traced the grass leading up to the man’s black boots. Her eyes outlined every inch of his clothing, moving up from his pants and up to his white shirt that was wrapped by a green cape as he kneel beside her.

Then her eyes met the outline of his face and her mouth fell. It couldn’t be. It wasn’t.

“Mikasa, why are you out here all alone?” Jean asked.

Mikasa sat stunned looking at the man. She tried to form words but all that came out what an echoing sound of silence. It couldn’t be him could it? Her eyes studied his blonde hair that danced with every breeze that passed. His eyes that seemed to smile at her though his forehead was lined with wrinkles of worry.

Mikasa reached her hand out to touch his face. Her fingers craved his skin as they gently embraced him. She was afraid to touch him, afraid that if she did that he would vanish in a puff of smoke. It had been so long since the last time she had seen him. Her eyes stayed wide as she touched him.

Jean chuckled under his breath. “You were never good at answering my questions were you, now stand up.” He stated, his voice so gentle, welcomed her to come closer as she moved to push herself to her feet.

Mikasa let her hand fall back to her side and just stared at him. “Jean… where… where have you been?”

Jean laughed. “The question is where have you been Mikasa.” He moved his arm to wrap around her body. “We have all missed you. But you never leave that house of yours. You never had the chance to come and see us.”

Jean’s expression turned to sadness as he looked at the ground. “Why did you keep yourself locked up Mikasa?” He asked, concern clear in his voice.

Mikasa watched as the stars reflected in his eyes and just blinked. “Because… everything that happened between us. Between all of us… it was my fault. I ruined everything. I couldn’t live with myself.” She finally answered. She was the one that could not save the relationship that they had, the relationship that she ruined with all of her friends.

“It was not your fault Mikasa, we all played a part in this.” Jean stated as he moved to pull her closer to him. She could smell his skin as he moved down to look at her.

Mikasa let the tears fall from her eyes. Now they were not only tears of sadness, but also of happiness. Jean looked at her with an expression she had not seen in years. It was an expression of want, of desire, of passion.

"I couldn't protect you guys. I was not there to save you guys, I did not know if anything happened to you all. I didn't get any news, I didn't get anything. People said these horrible things and I just couldn't live with the fact that I wasn't there to help you. That I wasn't there to fight." Mikasa cried.

Jean’s lips came down to connect with hers as she parted her lips just enough to let him kiss her. His hand came up to cup her face, taking his thumb and wiping away her tears. “There is no crying here. You have spent so long smothering yourself in this guilt, but I am right here. I am okay.” He told her before embracing her once more.

Mikasa moved her hands to grab the sides of his shirt softly. She was so afraid of hurting him. Mikasa did not want to break him. Though as they lingered further her grasp became rougher as his lips pursued hers with more passion.

“Why? Why did you leave? Why didn’t you come back?” Mikasa broke the kiss as she let her head bury itself into his chest. “You left, you promised you would come back, but you made me wait. Years I have waited for you Jean. Years. Why didn’t you come and get me before.”

Jean looked down at her, his face melting to a grief filled expression. “Oh Mikasa, please, don’t be upset. I tried, but I never had to opportunity to return until now. I never could come and visit you. I never could. I tried baby, I really tried.” He stated as he wrapped his arms around her pulling her as close as he could.

“But I am here now. I am not going to leave again. I promise.” Jean whispered as he looked up at the stars, mouthing a gentle ‘Thank You’.

Mikasa nodded and grabbed at the fabrics at the back of his shirt, so afraid that he would just run off again. This time she was not going to let him. She was not going to let him leave her.

Jean let go of her slowly and let his eyes connect with hers as she bent down enough to be at the same eye level. “I love you Mikasa, I am not going to leave.”

Those words.

She had waited three years for those words.

Three long years since he left her.

“I love you too, Jean.” She cried as a smile finally broke across her face. “I love you so much.”

Jean just let himself smile at her for a moment before standing up straight again. “Do you wanna see the others?” He asked her intertwining his hands into hers.

Mikasa’s eyes widened. “Are they here?” She asked him in shock. Jean laughed and turned around, leading her by the hand down into the valley. There seemed to be a camp set up as smoke rose from many fires with people sitting around them and tents scattered.

Mikasa’s eyes widened as she followed Jean down to the camp. The faces of Levi and Erwin passed by as she tried to make eye contact with them, but both of them seemed to be in some kind of debate with a woman with glasses on.

They passed more tents where Ymir looked up and Historia smiled up at her, giving her a wave. Mikasa smiled through her tears as she was finally starting to be filled up with hope. Everyone… Everyone was here.

She was lead to a fire where she could see the fire kissed faces two boys. One with short blonde hair, the other with bright blue eyes.

“Mikasa!” The blonde one shrieked with a smile on his face. “It was about time that you came to see us. I have missed you!” He laughed as he stood, running around the fire and embracing her. Jean let her hand go with a smile and took a seat next to another tall boy with dark hair. Both boys backs were to Mikasa, but she didn’t say anything because she was too busy enjoying Armin’s embrace.

“Mikasa, I got to see the ocean. I wish you were there. Maybe next time!” He laughed. She held Armin tightly, but her eyes were locked on the boy on the other side of the fire.

The boy stood and Armin let go and took a step to the side. “Mikasa.” The other boy stated looking at her. “Welcome.”

“Eren…” Mikasa sobbed as she grasped him, digging her head into his shoulder, “I have been so lonely without you.”

“But I have been with you Mikasa.” He answered as he let his fingers wrap around the scarf that hugged her neck. “Always.” Eren said as he just stared at her.

They did not move for a few long moments before Eren took her hand to sit next to him on the other side of the fire. She got comfortable and looked over at Jean who sat across from her with a smile. That was when she could finally see the boy sitting next to him.

A tall boy with freckles and beautiful eyes. He had the friendliest smile and just stared at her. “Don’t even think about stealing my girl Marco.” Jean joked looking at the boy.

That was when she knew.

That was when she knew that the tree would protect her fragile body.

That was when she knew that death had such a warm embrace.

That was when she was finally at peace.


End file.
